'Me'-time

I am currently a stay-at-home mom raising (soon to be) four children, three of which will be under the age of three. My life consists of diapers, bottles, breastfeeding, cleaning up the highchair, picking up toys, endless laundry, meals, paying bills, cleaning, and the huge production of trying to go anywhere for an errand. I spend all day, every day wrapped up totally in my children, my husband and my home. That's what I asked for all my life! This is the dream I lived for! I just didn't know it would be so exhausting.

Somehow though...I wonder...how did I get so far away from raising horses on a ranch in Big-sky Alberta?! Where did my mountains go? How did I, with all my insecurities, end up on the Atlantic coast with beach bunnies and seniors competing for the most obnoxious views at the beach??! Since when did I cancel the possibility of ever skiing down the slopes again? How did I manage to marry someone who's idea of outdoor activity is begrudgingly mowing the lawn and a golf game once or twice a year? Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm Mrs. Fit USA. In fact, my biggest form of exercise at the moment is dreaming about it.

I picture myself writing and perhaps actually publishing, taking various fine arts classes, learning to figure-draw, maybe taking singing lessons, travelling with my husband and kids on terrific vacations, walking, swimming (and being seen in a bathing suit without threat of being harpooned), biking with my kids, kayaking or canoeing, boating, riding horses, working out, eating healthy, playing softball and badminton with my sons, hanging out at our pool. (Which we don't have yet!) I picture a few small plastic surgery procedures in the future to reverse some of the damage I've managed to do over the course of my pregnancies. Is that my vision of the future? I hope so! In the meantime...these years of sleep deprivation, two-year old temper tantrums, and potty training will eventually cease. Then I will be called upon to actually make some of my visions into realities instead of just day-dreaming them. It is certainly up to all of us to make our personal goals, hopes and dreams become actual life experiences at some point.

I've managed the first half of things. The second half will have other unique challenges. Somewhere along that line I have to fit in and around my husband's ideals and goals too! Plus, we have to find a way to pay for it all. Therein lies the rub.

All this being said, I am thankful for my exhausting role in life at this time. I am also thankful that it won't always be this way. I cherish the hundreds of squeezes to my babies' fat thighs, and the thousands of kisses to their soft fatty cheeks, silken necks, and downy baby-bird hair. I survive through the diapers and sleepless nights, and I enjoy the work of bath times, mealtimes and bedtimes as much as possible. These too are moments to cherish, and ones that will end far sooner than most.

I hope there is time yet in life to work on the other stuff. The 'me' stuff. Right now is just not 'me' time. But someday...it will be, and I hope to make the most of it!